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12.4.01. |
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The Final Assignment for my Creative Non-Fiction Class, Written on the Day It Was Due, In Under One Hour, Because I Did Not Have Time to Actually Begin the Assignment Until 9:30 This Morning, and My Computer Crashed Twice, Leaving Me with Less Than an Hour to Write It, But That's Quite Alright Because We Were Assigned the Task of Doing Something Inspired by David Eggers, and This Is the Sort of Thing He Would Do If He Were Crunched for Time, Because He Has a Massive Ego, and This Morning So Do I, Having Slept Only Three and a Half Hours Last Night So I Could Get Up and Go to a Meeting Downtown at 8:45 with Oskar Eustis (who, If You Don't Know Him, Is a Very Important Fellow in the Theater Pantheon), at Which Meeting He Was to Decide Whether I Was Qualified to Hang Around Him and Keep My Mouth Shut Next Semester, and Lo and Behold, I Was Accepted, So Now I Am KING OF THE WORLD, and I Am Bounding Up the Stairs to My Apartment Two-at-a-Time Because I Know I Have Only So Much Time to Write This Assignment, but Do I Worry? Ha! Worry Is For Lesser Creatures, Who Need More than Three Hours of Sleep and Are Not Cool Enough to Get to Hang Around with Oskar Eustis, and Anyway I Was Thinking About Writing a Piece Like This Last Night When I Was Walking Home at Two in the Morning and Thinking How the Hell Am I Going to Get Everything Done Tomorrow That Needs to Get Done, I Will Only Have an Hour to Write My English Assignment, I Know, I'll Write a Piece Consisting Primarily of a Hyper-Self-Aware and Somewhat Egotistical Title that Goes On and On and On and Which Will Be Difficult to Read Aloud in Class Because I Will Not Have the Opportunity to Breathe Very Often, But Which People Will Probably Laugh At At Least a Couple of Times, and Seeing As How We're All Just Here (and by "Here" I Mean "On Earth") for a Few Kicks on the Way to the Grave, What the Heck, It'll Be Great, and I'll Get to My Lunch Date Right On Time, and Then Go to My Meeting and Successfully Manage a Sticky Conflict and Make it to My Rehearsal with Time to Spare, Followed by English Class, in Which, as Determined Above, This Piece Will Be at Least Moderately Well-Received, After Which I Will Come Home and EAT SOMETHING FOR GOD'S SAKE, But I'll Still Be Feeling Pretty Good Despite the By-Then Low Blood-Sugar, and I May Even Call Up This Girl I Kind of Like and Ask Her Out Kinda-Sorta, Because Yes I'm Not Man Enough to Actually Ask Her Out or Even Decide for Sure That I Want To, But I Can Call Her Up and Say "Hey, Let's Hang Out," or At Least Theoretically I Can, Because Really I Haven't Called Her in the Last Four Days Since I Said That I Would, so Maybe It's About Time and I Should Just Get Off My Ass, But First Let's Finish This Assignment, Which Has Already Taken Eighteen of the Allotted Fifty-Five Minutes, Just to Write This Much Almost without Pausing for Breath, and Here I Will Actually Pause and Stand Up and Breathe for a Moment. And Now I Am Back from the Kitchen, Eating an Apple, and Embarking Upon Sentence Number Four of This Title, If You Count "Ha!" as a Sentence, Which Heck You Might As Well, But Now I Am Beginning to Have Serious Misgivings about Whether or Not This Exercise is Worthwhile or Even, God Help Us, Amusing at This Point, and My Previously-Mentioned Temporarily-Inflated Ego Is Showing the First Signs of Deflation, So I'm Thinking I Better Wrap It Up Now, Get Out While the Gettin's Good, and Get On to the Body of the Piece, So We Can All Go Home, and So, without Further Ado (and It Is Now Eminently Clear There Has Already Been Entirely Too Much Ado), I Present the Body of This Assignment |
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As there is no possible content which could successfully follow such an absurdly unnecessary title, I will simply apologize for the silliness of said title - I'm sorry - spell-check the damn thing and print it out. Thanks for getting this far; I promise it won't happen again.
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